The One with the Nutty Professor
September 12, 2006
7:14pm
Actually, our professor wasn't so much "nutty" as he was...bitchy. Trully, the only term for it. I still cannot believe that I went to school so early in the morning (at 8am to be exact) just to wait three and a half hours to listen to him and simply to see him. That was a bad blow to my confidence that I'd like this term better.
To be honest, he even looked like someone I knew. I couldn't put a finger on it really, but he did. Sadly, the personality did not seem to match its shell. Sure, perhaps he wasn't so bitchy bordering to become the new teacher our block would hate this term, but I think the position has to be filled.
I would so love it if we didn't have to have a teacher to fill in that most unwanted seat, but someone has to do it. So I guess, so far, it would have to be him. Unless Mr. FWDANCE Ronda can top him. We'll know tomorrow.
But on a lighter note, I got to bring out something from my chest today. Because of my boredom in the conservatory, I managed to study for tomorrow's reading and I was able to write a letter. I had debated whether or not to give the letter to its addressee but I felt that if I did not give it to him, I would never do it again. I felt strongly about getting the record straight. I wanted to settle the uneasiness I felt within me. Finally I was able to tell him. It wasn't face to face as I would have prefered it to be, but I think that I would rather give him a letter of my complete feelings rather than senseless words that circled around and contradicted themselves. At least, this way, I would be able to organize my thoughts, with out feeling the pressure of someone listening to me. As I wrote, I felt it all just flow into my fingers, into the pen and onto the paper. All the things I've been meaning to say. I told Chris I was sorry for drifting apart from them, but I also told him that I didn't regret it. I believe that I really accomplished something big for myself, and I am really proud of myself.
However, I'd rather not say this, but I still have my doubts. The truth is, despite my confidence that I've come passed the issue, there is no concrete assurance that it will stay that way. The thing I fear the most when it comes to this, is that I will one day suddenly just fall and find myself right where I started. I would really rather not fall into that death trap again. But I fear not--or at least I try my best to be courageous.
I am fighting now, not for love, but for friendship.
When I was a child, I remember not having any friends at all. I remember doing almost anything to make myself believe I had any. When I was nine I made up an imaginary friend that would do anything with me. I can only remember one instance then, but I remember it nontheless. At ten, I gave in to bullying a girl I knew just so I would "fit in" with a group. When I turned eleven, I found friends that got tired of each other and soon drifted apart. But then again, that was also the year I found my true friends. My friends for the longest time: Raissa and Micah. I am so very glad that until now, even if Raissa is miles away and Micah and I are in college, we still talk every once in a while and still know where each one is. Since the time I've met them, I've only gained more friends and closer companions to treasure for my entire lifetime (and beyond if I could).
If I allowed myself to lose a friend or two now, who knows how long it will be until I ended up to be that sad little girl again who didn't have any friends at all. I'd be crushed if that happened and I would have no one else to blame but myself for not fighting to keep these friendships.
I know that if I hadn't done what I did, I would have probably hurt myself and two others. It is better that things turned out the way they did. Now I suppose, we're in a healing process, patching up the wounds and getting back up to continue walking.
I felt good.
Regardless of how boring and frustrating this day was, I did one thing that made be feel absolutely good.
And no one can take that away from me.
7:14pm
Actually, our professor wasn't so much "nutty" as he was...bitchy. Trully, the only term for it. I still cannot believe that I went to school so early in the morning (at 8am to be exact) just to wait three and a half hours to listen to him and simply to see him. That was a bad blow to my confidence that I'd like this term better.
To be honest, he even looked like someone I knew. I couldn't put a finger on it really, but he did. Sadly, the personality did not seem to match its shell. Sure, perhaps he wasn't so bitchy bordering to become the new teacher our block would hate this term, but I think the position has to be filled.
I would so love it if we didn't have to have a teacher to fill in that most unwanted seat, but someone has to do it. So I guess, so far, it would have to be him. Unless Mr. FWDANCE Ronda can top him. We'll know tomorrow.
But on a lighter note, I got to bring out something from my chest today. Because of my boredom in the conservatory, I managed to study for tomorrow's reading and I was able to write a letter. I had debated whether or not to give the letter to its addressee but I felt that if I did not give it to him, I would never do it again. I felt strongly about getting the record straight. I wanted to settle the uneasiness I felt within me. Finally I was able to tell him. It wasn't face to face as I would have prefered it to be, but I think that I would rather give him a letter of my complete feelings rather than senseless words that circled around and contradicted themselves. At least, this way, I would be able to organize my thoughts, with out feeling the pressure of someone listening to me. As I wrote, I felt it all just flow into my fingers, into the pen and onto the paper. All the things I've been meaning to say. I told Chris I was sorry for drifting apart from them, but I also told him that I didn't regret it. I believe that I really accomplished something big for myself, and I am really proud of myself.
However, I'd rather not say this, but I still have my doubts. The truth is, despite my confidence that I've come passed the issue, there is no concrete assurance that it will stay that way. The thing I fear the most when it comes to this, is that I will one day suddenly just fall and find myself right where I started. I would really rather not fall into that death trap again. But I fear not--or at least I try my best to be courageous.
I am fighting now, not for love, but for friendship.
When I was a child, I remember not having any friends at all. I remember doing almost anything to make myself believe I had any. When I was nine I made up an imaginary friend that would do anything with me. I can only remember one instance then, but I remember it nontheless. At ten, I gave in to bullying a girl I knew just so I would "fit in" with a group. When I turned eleven, I found friends that got tired of each other and soon drifted apart. But then again, that was also the year I found my true friends. My friends for the longest time: Raissa and Micah. I am so very glad that until now, even if Raissa is miles away and Micah and I are in college, we still talk every once in a while and still know where each one is. Since the time I've met them, I've only gained more friends and closer companions to treasure for my entire lifetime (and beyond if I could).
If I allowed myself to lose a friend or two now, who knows how long it will be until I ended up to be that sad little girl again who didn't have any friends at all. I'd be crushed if that happened and I would have no one else to blame but myself for not fighting to keep these friendships.
I know that if I hadn't done what I did, I would have probably hurt myself and two others. It is better that things turned out the way they did. Now I suppose, we're in a healing process, patching up the wounds and getting back up to continue walking.
I felt good.
Regardless of how boring and frustrating this day was, I did one thing that made be feel absolutely good.
And no one can take that away from me.
posted by Mishie at 3:59 AM
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